Resolutions Made Easy

By Joseph Amir
Opinion Columnist
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New Year’s resolutions! For some, they evoke images of frantically spinning on the treadmill for two weeks until the inevitable failure and abandonment of this resolution come. For others, they’re decried as “stupid,” something that only the weak attempt, or an exercise in futility. However, I’m here to tell you that it’s possible to set realistic resolutions that are entirely doable.

First, start with a goal you think would be easy to accomplish. For example, you could set a goal to  “exercise for one hour a week” or “only 5 push-ups per day.” Then, increase this goal until you think it might be challenging to reach, for example, “5 hours of exercise per week” or “40 push-ups per day.” Really, all you need to do is start with the straightforward goal and then ramp up once per month until you’re at your final goal at the end of 2022!

In case you didn’t want to produce some New Year’s resolutions, or you were too impaired to think of any (21-year-olds only, of course), here are some sample resolutions that you can try on for size. Some of them are satirical, and some of them are serious – it’s up to you to tell.

Only 1 alcoholic beverage per day
Only 1 fistfight per week
Read 1 book per week
1 swearword per sentence limit
Make sure to wash your hands every time you go to the bathroom
Don’t yell at your mom
Get a new plant every month; if any of them die, you spend 1 hour freezing in the snow (bonus points – find snow)

Are we having fun yet? I’m glad. New Year’s resolutions are a tradition in American society for some reason or another. Making fun of the poor saps who abandon them has lived on in the culture for as long as the tradition has existed. Feel free to make, break, or forsake them, but they can be a fun way to improve yourself and might produce positive changes, even if you don’t hold onto them for the entire year.