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By Vivian Hill Chronic board game gambler The new and amazing on-campus casino is set to be a smashing success. It includes Uno, Monopoly, Go Fish, and many more popular games. However, it feels as though something else is lurking behind the tables and fun snacks from the early 2000s. So the Collegian went undercover to see what this new casino was really like. When you first walk in, you see all the bright tables and a place to purchase your chips. People were lined up for a chance to play one on one Jenga for a grand prize. The prize is the chance of lower tuition, so students were desperate to win. Intrigued by this, the Collegian decided to take a closer look, only to discover that there was going to be no real prize. Players were getting their hopes up for nothing. The next table, well that was more horrifying than the last. The next table was a group game called Settlers of Catan. This table was becoming extreme and aggressive. Everyone in the room could tell that a fight was about to erupt at any moment. When the volcano did burst, it was a mess. Public Safety was called in to break up the fight and everyone involved was thrown out. Diving further into the web of lies that was this casino, there was a man standing suspiciously in a corner. In hearing passing conversations, he knew a path that led right to the catacombs. This information could only mean one thing, that the Fight Club was still in action. Although it was not as big as some of the other main events of the casino, this next game did draw in a crowd. The biggest event of the night was the 12-person Uno game. This was the match where no rules applied. There was double stacking, card counting, double skipping and so much more. It was total anarchy, and the crowd was going crazy for it. The player with the least losses managed to only lose about 100 dollars at the Go Fish and Candyland tables. Even though that was a rough night, it’s safe to say that the new Gael’s casino will be a whopping success. HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY FROM THE COLLEGIAN STAFF!
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How an econ group project accidentally led to the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank!  C/O Yahoo Finance By Kiera O’Hara-Heinz Chief Conspiracy Theorist The Saint Mary’s Community and the United States Federal Reserve, may be equally surprised and disturbed to hear that the recent collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, the largest bank failure since the 2008 financial crisis, was actually the handiwork of a group of SMC economics students. On March 10, 2023, Silicon Valley Bank, based in Santa Clara CA, collapsed after announcing an alarming $1.8 billion in losses. Two days later, came the fall of Signature Bank, the nation’s 29th largest bank, suggesting a larger banking crisis at place. The story however starts a year earlier, when a group of three inexperienced SMC students were given an irresponsible degree of responsibility at the institution. In Spring of 2022, three SMC students Jeremy Kitchener ‘22, Melody Wash ‘23, and Trevor Smith ‘23, were assigned a group project partnership with Silicon Valley Bank as a final project for their Economic Theory course. These students were tasked with coming up with business plan proposals for the bank, though the proposals were the purely theoretical musings of a group of young students. Kitchener described the group’s proposal simply, “We heard that U.S. Treasury bonds were safe so we figured what could be safer than putting all your money into them.” Smith agreed, saying, “All or nothing baby! That’s what we say!” The proposal was apparently popular with the higher ups in the company, who seemingly applied it blindly. Silicon Valley Bank’s deposit bank was based heavily in tech startups, and the deposit amount more than tripled during the pandemic. Instead of investing most of the deposits into other startups or venture firms, the bank instead placed a large share of the funds into long-term Treasury bonds and mortgage bonds. These bonds usually deliver small but rather reliable returns. These bonds however lost significant value over the previous year due to an aggressive series of interest rate hikes from the Federal Reserve. This plan however was largely unsuccessful, and in response, the U.S. government was forced to take rapid and extraordinary steps to protect the American financial system. When asked whether they were proud of their project and the subsequent financial crisis it caused, Wash celebrated the collapse saying, “I’m a communist, anything I can do to take down rampant irresponsible capitalism is a win to me.” President Plumb and the SMC Economics department have declined to comment on the issue. HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY FROM THE COLLEGIAN STAFF!
President Plumb is amongst us. All of us. And you may not even realize it.  C/O Kiera O'Hara-Heinz, Collegian Staff By Lillian LaSalle, Especially Skeptical This man can blend in anywhere on this relaxed college campus with his different shades of navy blue blazers and slacks. It is no surprise that he is commonly spotted by families on the admissions tours, and parents ask how the students can be so well dressed! President Plumb pops up everywhere, from the dining hall on a busy Thursday afternoon to a random spotting in the quad. The Collegian is here to share some of the most riveting Plumb sightings on campus, and they will leave you wondering where he will pop up next! Random hallway encounters: Almost all of us have had a random Plumb sighting in the hallway. We see him approaching from one side of the hall and get ready to give him our best SMC smile out of intimidation and confusion that this man actually walks around where we do. Luckily though, as nervous as you are to smile at him, President Plumb is just as nervous as you. Although he may seem tough in his khaki pants and SMC polo, President Plumb is too busy worrying about whether the dining hall chicken will be dry or not to focus on anyone he passes in the hallway. So next time you panic about saying hello to Plumb, never fear as he’s probably thinking about if the dining hall has any more green boxes just like you. Rec center: For the lucky few who have brushed elbows with President Plumb in the free weight section, we salute you. His presence pushes the students to bump up the weight and reps of their workouts –they gotta keep up with Plumb when he’s pumping iron. This man is an absolute menace in the gym, entering his very own Villain era, so he can intimidate the Brothers at the monthly luncheons. Catch him on the elliptical and you'll be surprised this man didn’t pursue a track star career in the big leagues instead of being a College president. Dining Hall: After the rec center, President Plumb of course needs to get his daily protein to fuel his academic PowerPoint presentations. He’ll of course hit up the chicken station (fingers crossed it's not too dry) and he’ll head over to the salad bar right after. Talk about consistency. We may complain about dining hall food, but President Plumb is a real one. He’s lived over 40+ years and willingly came back to eat at a college dining hall. If that alone doesn't give you enough context as to why he is the way he is, I don't know what will. All in all, these are just a few of the many places we have spotted President Plumb puttering around, and we look forward to seeing where he could possibly pop up next! HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY FROM THE COLLEGIAN STAFF!
Award-Winning Dog Showmanship Competitor and SMC Student Domesticates Albino Raccoon on Campus4/1/2023 Racoons are the dogs of the future.  C/O Animals of SMC By Andrew Martinez Cabrera Visiting Raccoon Expert, Ph.D. “When I embarked on this journey, I really wanted a challenge,” said Alan Meta Trolley, a third-year Biology Major at Saint Mary’s, who competes in dog shows all over the Bay Area in his free time. Trolley has become distinguished in the dog showmanship community, being an award recipient of over a dozen shows in California. He also trains 43 different recorded dog breeds and 14 not-yet discovered by the modern scientific community. “I see my time at Saint Mary’s as an extension of my passion. A lot of my learning and time on campus informs my sport,” said Trolley. One night, Trolley was leaving his dorm when suddenly, he spotted an albino raccoon scavenging for food. “We made eye contact, which was like first love,” recalled Trolley. “The best way I can describe it was like Hiccup and Toothless from ‘How to Train Your Dragon.’ So I reached out my hand and we just immediately connected – teeth to the skin, my blood coloring his white fur to a cherry red. Foam exited from the little guy’s mouth as he bit harder. I have never felt more connected with another animal before.” After being treated for rabies at Kaiser Permanente, he decided that the bond was too strong to be ignored. In his moment of recovery, Trolley was inspired to train one of the most iconic animals on campus in the hopes of winning a dog showmanship competition. Although ferocious, he knew his conventions would still help domesticate the raccoon, even if some viewed it as unorthodox. “Not only is it unorthodox, but it is also a complete disrespect to these animals,” said an East Bay Regional Parks District representative. “It is ill-advised to directly touch these animals, let alone approach them while scavenging for food. To try to domesticate these gentle animals is a great disservice to our preservation efforts.” When asked about this comment, Trolley replied: “They just don’t get it. I am an artist at work, and the albino raccoon is my blank canvas. They made fun of Van Gogh, and look at him now.” Once Trolley was able to successfully capture the albino raccoon and relocate him to his dorm, training could start. His roommates had to vacate the premises as soon as the raccoon moved in, giving Trolley the proper space to begin the training sessions. It was during this time that he decided to give the raccoon a name: Toothless. “The regiment I applied to train Toothless was no different than training any of the dogs I’ve prepared for competition in the past,” Trolley explained. “There are two extremes with these animals: aggressiveness and timidness, and I had to make sure that Toothless lived up to his namesake because I only have so many bandages.” Coinciding with Trolley’s training, SMC’s Men’s Basketball team began competing in the NCAA tournament until their loss against UConn’s team during the second-round playoffs. Trolley, an avid sports fan, decided that the spirit of competition felt around campus during those first two weeks could be allocated to a new sport. “I want the Gaels to be proud of our accomplishments. And I thought that people’s fervor for the sport was so strong that I began to think that those feelings shouldn’t go to waste. That is why I’m happy to announce that I am officially Saint Mary’s Gael Dog Showman, with our first show scheduled for April 1st. Be there or be square! Go Gaels!” When asked for comment, Saint Mary’s Athletic Department told The Collegian that no such team or affiliation existed. The only thing they had on record was a mysterious manilla folder left at the entrance of the UCU Pavilion, the contents of which included a DIY logo for the fake team. The folder was acquired by Public Safety and promptly thrown away. Sources: https://www.ebparks.org/sites/default/files/living-with-racoons-brochure.pdf https://www.cbssports.com/college-basketball/teams/MARYCA/saint-marys-gaels/ HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY FROM THE COLLEGIAN STAFF!
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StaffMadison Sciba '24, Archives
May 2024
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