All Previous SMC Graduations Have Been Rendered Invalid Due To One Small Mistake
By Benjamin Noodle
All Saint Mary’s College graduations, from 2004 to 2021, have been invalidated due to a single mistake during the Commencement ceremonies. Students have been starting the ceremony with their tassels on the left, moving them to the right during the ceremony. According to the Statues on Graduations of 1937, students must move tassels from the right to left in order for their graduation to be valid. Over 10,000 students are left with crippling student debt, and only a high school diploma to show. Companies have caught wind of this news, resulting in Saint Mary’s alumni being let go from their jobs quicker than the A’s outfield drops their catches.
Saint Mary’s President Richard Prune commented on this, stating, “ask not what Saint Mary’s can do for you,” before promptly knocking over the complimentary orange juice and exiting the Collegian interview room.
Despite the disaster at hand, an anonymous SMC graduate (Class of 2009), has come out on top of this fiasco. After deliberating with his legal team, this former student exploited a loophole involving the starting position of the tassel. After a back-and-forth three-set match in the Wimbledon Court, the team beat the Saint Mary’s brothers’ defense decisively in the last volley of arguments. He is now being awarded a Masters degree of his choosing, summa cume laude. While he has yet to declare the Master’s degree he plans to accept, the Brothers and Sisters of the Saint Mary’s board are prepared for anything. The school is at his mercy and must offer him the degree of his choosing, or face dire consequences.
Word on the street is that he will opt for a Masters of Aeronautics, Sailing, and Submarining. Contingent of being awarded his MS of A.S.S., he has been preemptively offered roles in NASA, the Armenian Navy, and the Death Valley Sailing Association.
Will more miffed students follow in his footsteps? Will Aerospace Engineering ever be the same? Will all these Masters degrees flood the market?
Stay tuned for more updates.
(Image Courtesy GettyImages)
Melanie Moyer '22,