Basketball season is over, and there is no better time to keep the Gael spirit going by introducing ice hockey into the stadium.
By Eden Llodrá
As of late, the Saint Mary’s faculty has been talking about transforming the basketball courts into an ice hockey rink. “We have rugby and lacrosse, I don’t see why we shouldn't introduce another contact sport, it would be a perfect distraction during the wintertime blues,” said one of the Saint Mary’s sports directors. “It’ll get more students and locals out in the stands.”
An ice hockey rink at a D1 school in California would most likely be underrated and have high success rates, with our biggest competitors being on the East Coast. This would give Saint Mary’s a lot of press attention and popularity. It could also bring in more financial benefits to the college campus.
There is not much attention veered towards ice hockey, “I was watching the winter Olympics and it occurred to me that I didn’t see any Saint Mary’s representation,” said President Rick Prune. “Basketball is feeling a bit cheugy right now but hockey is very fresh.”
It is pretty important that Saint Mary’s stays up to date with the newest sports trends, to keep things exciting and receive more attention statewide and even nationally.
The students have said, “We don’t want Saint Mary’s to be hidden in the Moraga hills, we want to be on the front of the papers. We want to be able to tell people the town we live in without confused and estranged looks.” Ice hockey could bring Saint Mary’s the attention it needs to gain more recognition nationally.
Bringing ice hockey to the stadium could turn things around for the better, “I mean who doesn’t want to see a bunch of dudes slamming into one another?” one student said. The overall consensus seems to be that ice hockey would bring a sense of comradery amongst students and give more entertainment to the UCU pavilion.
New Pathogen Discovered on Campus
Worrying new “Basketball Mania” sweeping the campus
By Joseph Amir
Visiting Sports Reporter and Virologist
A worrying new pathogen has emerged on campus, afflicting both young and old alike. This virus has infected our athletics managers, the employees at the Office of College Communications, the student body, and even our very own President Richard Prune. This pathogen has the unusual effect of causing the host to forget about any sport that is not men’s basketball, causing them to elicit confused looks or devolve into mumbling, lilting sing-song when asked about any sport that does not feature Tommy Kuhse. This story was first uncovered after a mass, super-spreader party off campus, after which multiple guests of the aforementioned event were scheduled to be interviewed about men’s rugby. When asked who was the standout player of the team, Jeremy Kuzak responded “Tommy Kuhse, of course!” The interviewer then gently reminded him that he was speaking about the wrong team and that he meant rugby, to which Kuzak replied “what’s rugby?” At this point, the interviewer began to explain how the sport of rugby was played when the subject became irate and belligerent, and was subsequently removed from the room by Public Safety.
This pathogen is believed to be extremely dangerous, having already endangered the life of the Saint Mary’s College women’s softball coach. They sustained impact trauma to their cranium after forgetting what sport they were coaching, rushing the batter and were struck in self-defense. Additionally, several students have reportedly savagely attacked roommates after these individuals have claimed to play sports such as “volleyball,” “baseball” or “soccer.”
In an unrelated development, it is said that as a result of the fallout from this virus, Coach Randy Bennett will have his salary increased from roughly $700,000 to $10 million per year. In a major restructuring, President Prune has announced that he is cutting all sports programs except for men’s basketball, eliminating the performing arts, communications, and business departments, and pouring their funding into the budget for a 2nd, bigger stadium that is planned to replace the Saint Mary’s Chapel and Oliver Hall. This stadium, as a result of back-door dealings made by President Donahue before his departure, will be named Wells Fargo Stadium despite receiving no financial assistance from that bank.
Boxing Brothers Battle it Out
All the info you need about the upcoming SMC vs. SCU fight!
By Kiera O’Hara-Heinz
We all know that the first rule of fight club is not to talk about fight club, but this news is just too juicy to keep a secret. A recent undercover investigation has uncovered an underground fight club at Saint Mary’s College. After living in disguise for over a month, I finally have the proof to expose the extracurricular activities of the Lasallian Brothers at SMC, and finally clarified what exactly goes down in the catacombs underneath the school: between prayers, and teaching and advising responsibilities, the brothers have formed a bare knuckle boxing ring.
Known for their black outfits and white collars, community members may be surprised to learn that the brothers are stripping off their shirts and shoes to pound their peers.
Chloe McPhloe, a sophomore theology major and Mission and Ministry Employee witnessed one of these fight nights last month while she was helping to prepare for a Solidarity Supper.
“I was looking through the closet for some paper towels and I saw a huddle of half naked men,” McPhloe said. “I looked closer and I realized that it was the brothers and that they were fighting each other. They were surprisingly agile for elderly men. I think I saw a roundhouse kick or two.”
A group of business majors have found a way to monetize the athletic prowess of Saint Mary’s Ministry and have set up a series of fights with the Jesuit brothers of nearby Catholic schools. One such fight has been planned to take place against the Santa Clara University Jesuit Brothers on April 7th.
Brother Geoffery Teffley says that he is stoked for the upcoming fight.
“It’s one thing to fight my brothers,” Teffley said. “But to fight the Jesuit brothers will be the culmination of centuries worth of rivalry.”
Many students are looking to place bets on the fight, with many betting on the SMC Lasallian Brothers having a sweeping victory. Watch parties are also being planned at local businesses with a particularly large one planned at Roundup. Students looking to witness the event live can buy tickets to the upcoming fight on the athletics website for a small donation of $6.66.
Embracing Pride and Purpose
Alumni and former basketball player Sie Chambers came back to Saint Mary’s as part of the 44 Days speaker series, telling his story of “finding purpose” in his career and postgraduate life.
By Ryan Ford
Sports Section Editor
Sie “Savage” Chambers came back to speak at his alma mater this past Wednesday, embodying the name he gave himself, “I’m a savage at everything I do and I wanted to embrace that.”
On February 23rd, Chambers spoke in front of Saint Mary’s students as the featured speaker in the 44 Days event, Embracing Pride and Purpose. The event followed a Q&A format, with Kinesiology professor and faculty co-chair for the BLM committee Robin Dunn facilitating the conversation.
Chambers attended Saint Mary’s from 2005-2009. While he went to Saint Mary’s originally as a standout high school basketball player, his mindset changed when he started working with social justice-oriented groups on campus, “When we think of the word savage we immediately think of negative connotations of primitive, uneducated people, but we also think of power. I think of fighting the system, fighting capitalism, fighting bureaucracy.”
Chambers was a redshirt player as a freshman and played on the women’s basketball team for overtwo2 years, but left halfway through his senior year season because his heart and soul were no longer in the game. “Sie went on to serve as Vice President of Diversity Outreach and Education, graduating with a BA in Sociology.”
During the 44 Days event, Chambers was asked how SMC is different now compared to when he attended the school, “I feel like during my time at SMC, the campus was becoming more receptive and starting to understand that this isn’t just a christian boy’s school anymore.”
Among many other occupations, Chambers currently works as a “community advocate, philanthropist, artist, yogi, coach, educator, plant-based chef, consultant, future farmer and 24/7 hustler.”
Switching his mindset from an athlete to an entrepreneur was hard, as Chambers had to figure out his identity without the community of being on a team, “Teams are forced families… sports were my outlet for being a people person.”
But Chambers was able to take what he learned as a dedicated athlete and apply it to other ventures in his life, learning life lessons from coach Paul Thomas, who has served as the head coach of SMC’s women’s basketball team since 2006, “I look at life competitively, strategies roll over from sports to business and life.”
When asked what advice he would give to current Saint Mary’s students, Sie “Savage” Chambers said, “I think it’s okay to set expectations and aspirations, but also just go easy on yourself and relax.”
(Image Courtesy Writer)
Ryan Ford '23,