Boxing Brothers Battle it Out

All the info you need about the upcoming SMC vs. SCU fight!

By Kiera O’Hara-Heinz
Associate Jester

We all know that the first rule of fight club is not to talk about fight club, but this news is just too juicy to keep a secret. A recent undercover investigation has uncovered an underground fight club at Saint Mary’s College. After living in disguise for over a month, I finally have the proof to expose the extracurricular activities of the Lasallian Brothers at SMC, and finally clarified what exactly goes down in the catacombs underneath the school: between prayers, and teaching and advising responsibilities, the brothers have formed a bare knuckle boxing ring. 

Known for their black outfits and white collars, community members may be surprised to learn that the brothers are stripping off their shirts and shoes to pound their peers. 

Chloe McPhloe, a sophomore theology major and Mission and Ministry Employee witnessed one of these fight nights last month while she was helping to prepare for a Solidarity Supper. 

“I was looking through the closet for some paper towels and I saw a huddle of half naked men,” McPhloe said. “I looked closer and I realized that it was the brothers and that they were fighting each other. They were surprisingly agile for elderly men. I think I saw a roundhouse kick or two.”

A group of business majors have found a way to monetize the athletic prowess of Saint Mary’s Ministry and have set up a series of fights with the Jesuit brothers of nearby Catholic schools. One such fight has been planned to take place against the Santa Clara University Jesuit Brothers on April 7th. 

Brother Geoffery Teffley says that he is stoked for the upcoming fight. 

“It’s one thing to fight my brothers,” Teffley said. “But to fight the Jesuit brothers will be the culmination of centuries worth of rivalry.”

Many students are looking to place bets on the fight, with many betting on the SMC Lasallian Brothers having a sweeping victory. Watch parties are also being planned at local businesses with a particularly large one planned at Roundup. Students looking to witness the event live can buy tickets to the upcoming fight on the athletics website for a small donation of $6.66.