Worrying new “Basketball Mania” sweeping the campus
By Joseph Amir
Visiting Sports Reporter and Virologist
A worrying new pathogen has emerged on campus, afflicting both young and old alike. This virus has infected our athletics managers, the employees at the Office of College Communications, the student body, and even our very own President Richard Prune. This pathogen has the unusual effect of causing the host to forget about any sport that is not men’s basketball, causing them to elicit confused looks or devolve into mumbling, lilting sing-song when asked about any sport that does not feature Tommy Kuhse. This story was first uncovered after a mass, super-spreader party off campus, after which multiple guests of the aforementioned event were scheduled to be interviewed about men’s rugby. When asked who was the standout player of the team, Jeremy Kuzak responded “Tommy Kuhse, of course!” The interviewer then gently reminded him that he was speaking about the wrong team and that he meant rugby, to which Kuzak replied “what’s rugby?” At this point, the interviewer began to explain how the sport of rugby was played when the subject became irate and belligerent, and was subsequently removed from the room by Public Safety.
This pathogen is believed to be extremely dangerous, having already endangered the life of the Saint Mary’s College women’s softball coach. They sustained impact trauma to their cranium after forgetting what sport they were coaching, rushing the batter and were struck in self-defense. Additionally, several students have reportedly savagely attacked roommates after these individuals have claimed to play sports such as “volleyball,” “baseball” or “soccer.”
In an unrelated development, it is said that as a result of the fallout from this virus, Coach Randy Bennett will have his salary increased from roughly $700,000 to $10 million per year. In a major restructuring, President Prune has announced that he is cutting all sports programs except for men’s basketball, eliminating the performing arts, communications, and business departments, and pouring their funding into the budget for a 2nd, bigger stadium that is planned to replace the Saint Mary’s Chapel and Oliver Hall. This stadium, as a result of back-door dealings made by President Donahue before his departure, will be named Wells Fargo Stadium despite receiving no financial assistance from that bank.
Melanie Moyer '22,