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They are too tall! By Madison Sciba Professionally Short Saint Mary’s students have started boycotting the school’s most popular sporting events, men’s basketball games. This is out of growing fear for the players who tower over the average students at Saint Mary’s. Most of the players stand over 6 ’0, well above some of the rather vertically challenged students. This is a phenomenon that is stressing out students, with some even explaining that they are unable to concentrate in their classes just knowing that people who are over 6 '5 are just wandering around campus. “The thought of it just scares me,” one student said, “they are just so tall.” Most students who complained to the Collegian wished to remain anonymous, afraid that they would be targeted by the school’s basketball fans. “They are everywhere,” another student explained, “you can’t say one bad word about the team without someone acting like you committed a war crime.” Saint Mary’s students are scared and too worried to show their true feelings on campus. That same student said, “If Gael Force even got a whiff of someone saying they hate men’s basketball, you are canceled at SMC.” In response to these overwhelming fears that are popping up around campus, a group of students have started a movement calling for a boycott of games. They are calling themselves the Allegiance Against the Vertically Gifted. Their mission is to educate on the dangers of admiring those who are tall, explaining the various reasons for their stance.
These among many others are the reasons why the Allegiance Against the Vertically Gifted are calling for a boycott of basketball games. To learn more about the Allegiance and their mission please visit: www.gigantasophobia.com HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY FROM THE COLLEGIAN STAFF!
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One year on, what’s changed?  C/O Kiera O'Hara-Heinz, Collegian Staff By Kiera O'Hara Heinz Chief Conspiracy Theorist We all know that the first rule of fight club is not to talk about fight club, but as we all discovered last year, this news was just too juicy to keep a secret. This time last year, I uncovered a super top secret underground fight club at Saint Mary’s. After living in disguise for over a month, I had the proof to expose the extracurricular activities of the Lasallian Brothers at SMC, and finally clarified what exactly happens in the catacombs underneath the school: between prayers, and teaching and advising responsibilities, the brothers formed a wildly violent bare knuckle boxing ring. Known for their black robes and white collars, community members were shocked to discover the clandestine martial arts community thriving underneath the surface of our small Catholic school. While I have personally taken some time away from our deceptively quiet campus in Moraga to investigate the Leprechaun worshiping cults of Western Ireland, I have heard many credible reports that these fights are still happening. My mole within the brothers has told me that one particularly agile brother has hit a recent winning streak, knocking out a record six brothers in a row with his unique mix of traditional boxing styles with the more exotic ones of Brazilian jiu jitsu. Though the name of this champion fighter was not shared with me, all evidence points to Brother Glen Bolton (don’t tell him we know!) Last year students started a gambling circle to place bets on who would win, culminating in a tournament between the SMC Brothers and the SCU Jesuit Brothers. No such fight has occurred this year. But hopefully with much community prompting another event of this type can take place. So reach out SMC! This tradition is too great to hide in the shadows! HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY FROM THE COLLEGIAN STAFF!
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STAFFMadison Sciba '24, Archives
May 2024
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