By Andrew Martinez Cabrera Entertainment Editor For cinephiles, the new year has begun with several momentous cinematic events. The Oscars are coming up and audience members have been bickering over nominations, snubs, and ultimately, disappointing winnings. While studios are busy campaigning for their Best Picture nominees, they have also been dumping movies that no one will watch and, ultimately, will die on arrival. The movie that has been leading in this category is the new live-action adaptation of Madame Web.
Madame Web is the third movie made by Sony-Marvel that is not connected to Disney’s Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). It also relates to Spider-Man’s extended universe (whatever that means) without ever showing Spider-Man. Instead, audience members follow the title character, Cassandra Webb, played flatly by Dakota Johnson, an EMT/ambulance driver in 2003’s New York City before getting her superpowers. I find it fitting that the movie is set in the early 2000’s. It felt like they found a 20-year-old script in a warehouse and decided to produce it so that Sony wouldn’t lose their license. Madame Web feels like a time capsule, reminiscent of a time when studios were still trying to figure out how to make superhero movies and would just throw things on a wall until something stuck. Madame Web, unlike an itsy-bitsy spider climbing on the wall, is a massacred splotch that stained the wall and somehow found itself in movie theaters. Let's be honest, no one is going to watch this. If I were to assign merit to an otherwise meritless cash grab, I’d say it is fun to watch. That being said, this fun comes at the cost of also having to sit through some boring sludge, just to end up laughing at the most abysmal line reads. So, indulge me in spoiling a movie that isn’t worth $12 of your hard-earned cash. Instead of going to the theaters, choose to stream this movie in the future, like Madame Web would have wanted it. That’s her whole gimmick anyway. Tell me, when you think of Spider-Man’s superpowers, do you picture web-swinging, superhuman abilities like strength and speed, and the famous Spidey-sense? What are Madame Web’s powers, you might ask? Clairvoyance. You know, that classic thing spiders do. Does she have any other abilities? Nope. Does she get a costume? Not until the last minute of the movie. The only connection between the two franchises is that she was bitten by a spider in the Amazon (or technically her mother was). A lot of plot building happens, and then she falls into a river and dies. Cassandra then gains her powers when an indigenous tribe of Spider-people helps her dying mother give birth to her or something. Hence, her powers become trauma-induced. This chaotic scene takes place in the first 20 minutes of the movie before it becomes a confusing version of Groundhog Day, where she’s struck with disjointed flashes of the future yet to happen. One of these flashes reveals to Cassandra that three teenage girls will also be targeted by the same evil Spider-Man-like figure that killed her mother. Does that sound convoluted? It is. Does this sound like a real movie? I know it shouldn’t be. Madame Web is undercooked in every single aspect of the movie-making process, from its weak script to weirdly-paced editing sequences, it is a disappointment. And again, no charismatic actors occur whatsoever. Part of its “charm” (and that’s being generous) is that it doesn’t feel like a superhero movie for the majority of its runtime. The references to Spider-Man are there to remind you of a different universe that audiences like more. This can clearly be seen in the movie’s teasing of the birth of Peter Parker,as if he were Jesus Christ Himself. The final scene of this movie perfectly encapsulates Sony/Marvel’s capitalistic ethos. Throughout the movie, Pepsi incorporated explicit product placement during seemingly inappropriate scenes, making their brand critical to the plot itself. Instead of ending the movie at a famous New York landmark, the director settled on a Pepsi-Cola billboard atop a decrepit firework factory. The ending in itself sounds like a cheap mad-libs construction. It culminated with one of the letters from the billboard detaching and crushing the villain to death; we can thank Madame Web’s clairvoyance for that one. To make matters worse, this death was teased throughout the entire movie. I couldn’t help but groan when I realized why: an advertisement takes out the bad guy and an inanimate Pepsi-Cola becomes the hero. It sounds like something Don Draper from Mad Men would have pitched. The movie ends with Cassandra saying that the best part about the future is that it hasn’t happened yet. It’s a sweet-enough sentiment lazily hamfisted into the movie. The best part of my future is never having to see Madame Web again.
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October 2024
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