Where the hell did you go, loca?

The New Twilight Movie Reviewed

By Madison Sciba
Amateur Vampire Investigator 

    R-Patz has a new movie and boy he is looking good. The new Twilight movie was just released in theaters and I have some major questions. First, I thought the Twilight vampires couldn’t turn into bats, yet that seemed to be the whole theme of the new movie. Second, did Ed and Bella break up? Like where was she? And who’s this cat chick? Was this a situation where you have to read the book first? Because there is no way I am going to do that. 
    Edward apparently decided to change his name after his and Bella’s breakup in New Moon. Bruce Wayne? Apparently, he couldn’t think of anything cooler. He did have a nice new ride, although I would never have pegged Edward (sorry I mean Bruce) as a motorcycle guy. His new hairstyle really suits him, much better than the 2008 spiky hair he had in the other movies. 
    I only recommend watching this movie if you are Team Edward, Team Jacob fans will be greatly disappointed with the severe lack of our favorite werewolf. Also, who is this new Riddler guy? I don’t remember seeing him in any of the other movies. 
    This movie does have a lot of dark tones, and no classic, quotable lines. Like “Hold on tight spider monkey”? That was Oscar worthy. This movie does not even compare to the cinematic masterpiece that is the original Twilight movie. First with no Bella and then no other vampires??? How is this supposed to be a Twilight movie if there are no vampires and no Bella-Edward-Jacob love triangle? Although he was shirtless quite often, there were no sparkles. I was highly disappointed; that was not the skin of a killer.