Congress Approves Bill to Ban Multiple Apps in Wake of TikTok Hearings

Image c/o writer/Pocket Gamer

By Matthew Colvin
News Reporter

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In early March, a House of Representatives committee unanimously voted to pass a bill that would force Chinese company ByteDance to either sell off TikTok within approximately five months, or face the app’s total ban within the United States’ borders. Despite ByteDance CEO Shou Chew testifying last year that the app poses no threat to Americans, legislators still moved to ban the app out of fear that it was allowing the Chinese government to spy on US citizens. As Washington Republican Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers said, “Today, we will take the first step in creating long-overdue laws to protect Americans from the threat posed by apps…”

However, it seems that Congress’ moral panic over mobile applications has not stopped there. On Sunday a House panel announced a sweeping bill that, if passed, would ban numerous apps and change the face of the App Store for good. While the bill is comprehensive, here’s a quick rundown on some of the biggest apps you may see vanish from the App Store soon if the bill passes, and why:

UberEats is one of the first apps listed in the bill to be banned completely. While the service has had its fair share of controversy in the past, including allegations of monopolistic behavior and an antitrust lawsuit in 2022, Congress’ reasons for banning the app seem quite different; UberEats’ drivers never manage to deliver to the Senate Building in under forty-five minutes. As stated in the bill, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) “just isn’t him when he’s hungry” and the app’s sub-par performance “is no longer acceptable.”

Tinder is being struck down, too; while speaking in favor of the bill, House Representative and former Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said, “I have had many good friends try to use [Tinder], and the app is inexcusable. These very, very good friends are unable to find matches, and the app and its users are just very discriminatory in who they choose to match with.” Continuing to speak on behalf of her unidentified ‘good friends,’ Pelosi finished, “Discriminating against 84 year-old married women from Baltimore who accidentally swipe left when they mean to swipe right is intolerable in the land of the free. That’s what my friends say.” She received a standing ovation.

Service and social apps are not the only ones that will be feeling the heat of this bill, however; even mobile games may not be safe. Subway Surfers is one of the biggest and most controversial app names listed in the bill’s ban list. According to the bill, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has been caught playing the game during numerous Senate sessions in recent months, and has had to have had his phone temporarily confiscated every time. Unfortunately, according to the bill, McConnell enters “grumpy mode” upon losing phone privileges and refuses to speak on any matters until he has received “an apple juice and a piece of string cheese.” As stated in the bill, this has “utterly derailed multiple sessions of the Senate, and must be curtailed immediately by a ban of the app to get him back on track.”

The banning of Subway Surfers has proven controversial, though, as it seems Senator McConnell is not the only one with a strong connection to the game. Democratic opponents to the bill have claimed that President Joe Biden is unable to stay awake at Cabinet meetings unless pre-recorded Subway Surfers gameplay is being projected in the background, and that a ban of the app will interfere in his presidential duties and campaign for reelection. Should the bill pass, his supporters worry that they will need to find new means of “enrichment” for Biden if his 2024 presidential bid is to succeed.

The Biden administration did not respond to our request for comment.