Presidential Trial By Combat

Can Plumb hold his title, or will there be a new king in town?

By Vinny Paz

The upcoming Inauguration of President Plumb as 30th president of the college is a historic occasion. Why should students be interested in attending? Besides the complimentary snacks, there will be a spectacle to behold before the reception. As per Saint Mary’s tradition, the role of President can be challenged via trial by combat before the elected president is sworn in. 

Rules of the bout: 
The chapel lawn will serve as the venue for the bout. Duels will be started with the ringing of the Chapels bell. The fight is a no holds barred ordeal. The duel ends when a brother throws in a towel, or a contestant yells “Gael!”

Students may see President Plumb around campus this week preparing to defend his title. There have already been some verified student sightings of his training exercises. A pub employee claims that Plumb comes in at 5am every day, ordering a pint of raw eggs. The pub is considering putting this on tap. He’s been spotted running up to the tree of life with Brother Camillus on his back. Several seminar students have seen Plumb hop into their windows on the third floor, say, “G’day,” and let himself out through the door. Rumor has it that Plumb has also been sparring with Floyd Mayweather to sharpen his jab.


Word of the opportunity to seize the throne has spread far and wide. Gonzaga’s head basketball coach Mark wanted to give the position a shot, but is stuck in Spokane after he blew a BAC too high to start his car. Amateur fighters from around the world have flown in to Moraga for the opportunity to compete for the title. Some boxing legends including Rocky Balboa and Clubber Lang have voiced their interest as well. 


Will Plumb’s egg smoothies and eccentric training pay off? What might happen to the curriculum if former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson steals the title?

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