SMC Professor Discovered to be Zodiac Killer

Aristotle would be proud! 

By Riley Mulcahy 
Cold Case Detective

In a shocking turn of events, it has been revealed that a Saint Mary’s College professor in the Philosophy department indeed is the Zodiac Killer. “We didn’t see any red flags, the professor seemed to be level-headed, but he sometimes strayed from our Lasallian values. I mean can anyone be certain that your roommate is not a killer?” an unnamed source from the SMC administration asks.

Given the fact all of this is so new, no one would go on the record, but there are people taking bets on who the professor is. “I heard that it is a raccoon disguised as a professor,” one student said outside of Cafe Louis. If the professor is a raccoon, that would have severe ramifications for the students. For one, where do raccoons go to prison? How can anyone know what those think and why one would kill anyone? The Philosophy department, which is small but mighty, would not stoop so low as to hire raccoons as professors. Or would they?

At the time of the writing of this article, no arrests have been made in the case, leading to more suspicion that it indeed was a raccoon. The professor is out on bail until they can question him and look more into the raccoon theory.  The Zodiac Killer was believed to be dead for years. However, we have been living with a killer amongst us for so long, and we never even realized his trick of cryptograms and ciphers until one day, another unnamed student saw someone walking suspiciously to class, and when the cops came, they saw the killer in the bushes near Becket Hall. 

For the SMC community: if we don’t stay prepared, there can be a killer in our sights at any time. Read philosophical texts with a vengeance!

(Image Courtesy Vox)